CW: Discussion of sexual abuse and subsequent religious abuse of minors, including an anecdote from author’s childhood. Watch for the division if you want to skip it.

I can almost hear the wails now. Easy forgiveness is a staple of the world and has been for quite some time. If you were raised in a culturally Christian country, chances are you’ve been exposed to "easy forgiveness" too, whether you realise it or not.

Let me explain: in Christianity, there is this idea that “If I say I’m sorry, god forgives me. Therefore, if I tell you I’m sorry, you have to forgive me.” Full stop.

There are traditions wherein forgiveness isn’t immediate, or it’s provisional—if you’re truly sorry, you’ll show remorse, and then forgiveness can come. But mostly—saying you’re “sorry” to someone means everything is gone, forgotten, forgiven and back to normal.

This is bull shit. Complete, utter Bull Shit.

No person should ever be expected to instantly forgive and forget, because “how could I do less if god was willing to do that?” But in this world we are, and that’s what we’re talking about today.

To begin, let’s take all external influences out while we talk about this, no gods, no other people; we’re going to talk about forgiveness as a Thing That Is.

To forgive is to stop taking offense at the actions, words, etc of others that were offensive. That’s it, really—you decide that what they did, they didn’t mean to do, or they have realised their error, and so you stop seeing that offending thing. You see, instead, the actions done to mitigate the harm, the lessons learned, the improvement.

Forgiveness is an action, and needs to be willingly undertaken. It’s a choice, an active choice, not a “set it and forget it” thing. Sometimes one has to forgive over and over for it to truly be done.

Easy forgiveness doesn’t take any of the work into account. It is selfish, only caring about the forgiveness-seeker, and not about what the offense was. It’s modern Christianity to a T, really, but it’s part of the blood and bone of the religion, and not new.*

What easy forgiveness does do, is take the onus of offense from the Offender, and place it on the Victim. If the Victim doesn’t forgive, they become the Offender—even worse, they choose to offend, to sin, as opposed to the forgiveness-seeker who “didn’t mean it”.

If you want to see this in action, just google something like “pastor confesses to raping teen, church forgives him”. (Check out the Black Collar Crime archive here )

Read closely: what happens to the victim of these crimes? Are they marginalized? Are they ignored? Are they assigned culpability? Often, the status of the abuser is protected at all costs, and the victim is forced out.

The same is also true with abusive families. If the family member wants things to be nice and photo-perfect, they’ll say “sorry you feel that way”, and that’s supposed to wash away the pain of being hit, screamed at, kicked, or whatever form of abuse you were subjected to. “Sorry you feel that way”, or “sorry you took it that way” are magical words, removing all pain from blackened eyes, or broken hearts. They remove all the sting of screamed words, of being told you’re worthless or a disappointment.

Those of us raised in abusive homes, especially by parents who are alcoholic/addicted to substances, Narcissistic, or have other mental disorders, are taught early that forgiveness is for us to give, instantly like obedience, and yet we’ll never receive an apology. We have to forgive others for the way we feel, and then stuff those feelings down forever. Being bullied at school? Forgive them because “Jesus”. Bullied at Church? Same thing.

----- (Skip this section if you aren’t in a place to read about abuse and easy forgiveness)

When I was a teen, my sister was friends with a girl in our church. This girl had some cognitive delays, and so was my age, but in my sister’s grade. She had needed a little extra help, and would go on to graduate, work and have a pretty “usual” life. She spent the night at our house and as she was fairly close friends to my sister, asked if she could get pregnant through giving oral sex. Not a shocking question, given the state of sex-ed in the country, and this was about 1994. But shocking for a 16-ish year old, cognitively impaired, girl (one we would call “vulnerable” now).

My sister said no, that wasn’t a thing, but why ask that?

You probably see where this is going. Her stepfather, who’d raised her from the time she was teensy (3 I think, or 4, I can’t remember) was abusing her, and had been for years. She’d just started the human sexuality part of her Health class, and so learned that sex caused pregnancy. She knew what oral-sexual contact was, and therefore assumed all sexual contact = pregnancy risks.

She thought she was being a good girl, protecting her mother from the shame of having a pregnant, under-aged kid. She explained that she didn’t like it, that it made her feel sick, but her stepfather explained that all girls and dads did this, and it would help her when she had her own husband and blah blah blah. He threw in some Jesus-talk about obeying one’s parents and used religious and familial guilt to keep her silent.

Until she asked her friend, my sister, someone she could trust, about pregnancy risks—and Holy Shit that was show-stopping news at my house.

I’m not going to say I expected it in any way. Yeah, the guy was a creep—but he was also a vet who’d had a nasty head injury in Vietnam or something, (you could see the scar on his scalp when his hair was freshly cut). So I always thought he came across creepy because he didn’t understand the nuances of social interactions. Yeah, he stared, but so did the girl with autism, so maybe he was autistic? I didn’t like him, so I avoided him.

My sister’s friend didn’t need convincing—she understood that what was happening was wrong, she’d known deep in her guts and just needed someone she could trust to affirm that. So, the next day my mother was going to take her and my sister down to the State Police post (the nearest cops) to make a statement.

I was working at a fast-food place, and at a café, so I was scheduled early the next morning. I told them I’d swing by the police station on my way home.

The church rallied around this man.

Sure, the police charged him, with some minor thing because it was the fucking 1990s and rape wasn’t legally rape until later (at the time it had to be penis penetrating anus or vagina and something-something-force-blah blah… the FBI didn’t change the definition of rape until 2013!!)

The church supported this man. He was, after all, a deacon! Friend’s mother found ways to blame her, saying she’d “started it” or that he didn’t know what he was doing—he had a head injury after all! It had to be her fault! He could never… but he did. And everyone with eyes knew it. But no, the church supported him. Enfolded him in love and care.

Friend moved in with her father, finished high school, and went on to have a decent life. I know she got therapy and was pretty messed up for a while. The abuse was bad for her, don’t get me wrong—but the easy forgiveness, the “I didn’t know” rubbish he slathered all over and the church claiming she had to forgive him and never think about it again, that was what caused the most damage. Being told she had to invalidate her own lived experiences, because Jesus-Forgiveness-Blah-Blah was something she couldn’t handle.

I stopped attending at that point. I told my mother that being called a liar by a rapist was a bridge too far. She didn’t push much, but I think she was bothered by it more than she let on. She is and was then, a terrible person, but this situation bothered her. She (like all of us) contains multitudes, and rape was something that infuriated her on a “heat of a thousand suns” level.

--------

The church preached forgive-all, no matter what. And voila, god makes the hurt and pain go away! And if he doesn’t, you haven’t forgiven.

The churches preach that now, every time they teach that you must forgive always, instantly, no matter what.

It’s a lie, of course. Saying you choose to forgive an offense against you doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences. It just means you understand they’re working through those consequences and want to do better.

That man, the one who abused my sister’s friend, never faced real consequences. She was over the age of consent in the state we were in. It wasn’t “PIV sex” (please remember, this was just after the President of the US claimed he “never had sex” with an intern because it was only oral sex! A lot of people, even now in 2023, don’t feel that oral sex is really sex because there’s no PIV involved.)

Ok, so when is forgiveness appropriate? We’ve looked at ways it’s not. Where is it ok to forgive?

Thing is, only the person being asked to forgive can answer that.

When I apologise there’s a formula. I taught my kids to do the same.

1- I messed up, I am sorry I did that thing that I Will Name

2- I messed up, and I hurt you, and I am sorry that Action I Did hurt you

3- I messed up, and hurt you, and this is the Thing I’m Doing To Fix That

4- If you can, and are willing, please forgive me.

5- I don’t expect you to forget.

Let me write out a sample apology. Imagine I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning (low stakes)

(1) I’m so sorry, I forgot to Pick Up The Clothes, and that means that (2) you don’t have your clean sweater dress for The Thing. (3) I’m so sorry! I know it was important for you to have this dress, so I’m going to pick up the cleaning on my way to work tomorrow. I’ll set an alarm on my phone when I drop the cleaning off next time, so this doesn’t happen again. (This leaves 4 & 5 unspoken, but you get the idea)

When the offender says they are sorry, they know they did the thing, and they want to make it right, and you believe them—then sure, forgiveness makes sense! They have learned from the infraction and will do their best not to repeat it.

Ok, I can hear you now, “Where does this have anything to do with Witchcraft?”

That’s the best bit: It has everything, and nothing, to do with it!

Witchcraft is a framework for living, right? We use it to hold our morals, like hangers, but the morals exist without the framework. Same thing here: forgiveness is earned through actions, regardless of what your every day life looks like.

If you are a Witch, and you strive to be moral, then yes, you are choosing to ask for forgiveness when you are/have earned it. You apologise when you give offense and know that it’s up to the victim to choose if they accept your apology. And you keep working to prove you truly are sorry, and that you won’t do that again.

[As a quick aside, this is how you know that an abuser is an abuser: they will say they’re sorry, and then do the thing again—think the cycle of abuse: love bombing -> verbal abuse -> pushing -> hitting -> possible death. Every step of the way there’s a return to love bombing and “I’m so sorry”. That’s why I’m stressing that you must Not Do It Again!]

When someone apologises to me, I am usually quick to accept it. I believe you can accept an apology and still expect people to make good on the amends part. I accept that you are sorry you did it, now, show me you won’t do it again, so I can forgive.

Yes, it’s provisional, but I’m being honest and open about it. Often the forgiveness comes easily after seeing that the offender is serious. I also don’t force myself to “forgive and forget”. When I forgive, sometimes I’ll never forget—and sometimes I will. I let the forgetfulness happen if/when it happens.

I don’t think it’s holding a grudge if you remember that That Thing hurt, even if you understand it was accidental. This means you’ll choose not to do that thing, and you’ll have your eyes open it someone else tries to do that thing to you again. I see it as part self-preservation, and mostly just being a human. Humans don’t forget painful lessons—and to be asked/expected to do so in the name of forgiveness is stupid, cruel, and frankly invalidating.

I suppose all of this is to say that forgiveness isn’t automatic, and it should never be. It should be thoughtfully asked for, and thoughtfully given. Even a small child can be taught that stepping on someone’s foot hurts, and if they understand that, they will choose not to do it again. Forgiveness requires the asked have empathy and truly understands that they messed up. It also requires that the forgiver choose to do so, willingly—because if you’re expected and forced, it’s not really forgiveness, it’s self-invalidation, self-negation, self-erasure. This is abusive, and as Witches, we don’t do that.

If you have trouble with forgiveness, talk with a trusted person about it. Therapists can help you figure out why you feel that you have to forgive, or that you can’t (or maybe you just don’t want to!). And they will validate your choices. Sometimes aren’t forgivable--- and sometimes it takes awhile for the forgiveness to grow. All of these are Ok.

* I understand that “not all Christians” but do not write me about this. I won’t argue with you about it—and am using Christianity as my framework because I live in the US. Modern Catholics, Orthodox, Protestants of all stripes from Baptists to Methodists to Seventh Day Adventists, LDS, JW, Anglican/Episcopalian and one-off-nondenominational churches all teach this. So do some schools of Islam. Hinduism and Buddhism also sometimes teach this. Easy Forgiveness is Every Where!