Witches Don’t Lie: we own our words

Honesty is hard. It’s hard to be honest and truthful and to choose our words carefully. It’s hard to avoid the “brutally honest” trap of choosing to truth-tell with cruelty rather than compassion. However, a witch chooses Truth over lies, and chooses Compassionate Truth over brutal cruelty.

Your HeadWitch is far from perfect, and I’m often better at keeping my mouth shut than I am opening it. I grew up with a mother who was constantly talking, and wielding casual cruelty as a way to keep her children inside the cookie cutters she’d approved for us (and being the opposite around others), and a Dad who was (and remains) a quiet, introspective person. I am a quiet, introverted, introspective person, so I tend to talk only when I feel like I have something to say.

I don’t usually feel like “You’re doing a shit thing” is something to say. But, sometimes, It Is Something To Say!

By staying silent, I’m giving approval, so I try to find the best, most compassionate way to say “Stop being a shithead”. Honesty is hard!

Lying boldly to someone’s face, or choosing to tell half-the-truth, either way, you’re hurting someone on purpose. This is true whether you’re cheating on your partner or embezzling at work. It’s true whether you’re choosing to lie to someone about something small or something big.

It is important for a witch to be trustworthy. If we can’t be trusted, then we can’t give advice when we’re asked—and we don’t deserve to be asked. If we can’t be trusted, then why would anyone listen to us? Why would we listen to us? We are supposed to lead by example, to choose to be “above reproach”, and to be authentic in all we do. Lies poison that. Trust grows very slowly and dies instantly.

Witches must nurture trust and truth; lying kills it. It’s part of what we do, and how we do it. How can you be a Witch, a person growing into your Best Self, if you lie?

Absolutely, this doesn’t mean you don’t have to talk about something; you can choose not to discuss your choices or your thoughts. That isn’t lying, not even by omission. You can also say, “I’d rather not discuss this” or “not right now”.

There is a certain level of deception that we all swim in, living in our society. When you’re asked, “How are you?” here in the US, we say, “Pretty good”, or “Fine!” or “Little tired, but ok.” We don’t say, “Thanks for asking, I’m really going through some shit! On top of everything else, my alarm didn’t go off, my cat barfed on the floor right in from of the shower, and I couldn’t find my deodorant, so I had to go to CVS on the way in!” We aren’t lying, we’re being social. Little bit the same, little bit different, but not harmful.

We also tend to be overly kind about people’s clothing choices. You don’t have to tell someone you hate their shirt, or that you don’t like their face. You don’t have to speak cruelty. There is a huge difference between “I hate your shirt, and you’re ugly, and you should feel bad” and telling someone how great the shirt is. You can say, “I don’t think that it suits you. Maybe colour/cut/etc might be better”. You can choose to be polite and honest, whether the issue is trivial, or serious. What you shouldn’t do is lie.

I also try to ignore fashion choices I find objectionable, even if someone asks me. For example: I hate Crocs and Uggs. I love shoes, but those aren’t shoes. I think they are ugly, hideous, disgusting, often very stinky and I can’t believe anyone would put them on the dead body of a person they hated, let alone wear them, in public, without shame. But they do, so I try to ignore them. I remind myself, “I’m wearing Chucks, and I’m in my 40’s, so pretty sure people are judging my shoes, too”… because I own something like 9 pairs of Converse All-Stars (including a Pokémon pair, a super cool PRIDE pair), and 2 pairs of Sneki-Snake Cariuma sneakers (which are styled a lot like Chucks). I choose to remind myself that we are all more than our shoes. If asked, I say I don’t prefer them, or I don’t care for them. I used kind honesty, rather than “OMFG why are you putting that revolting thing on your person! Have you no shame?! How could you leave your house like that?!”

I feel the same way about anything “2A”, or so-called “patriot fashion”. I don’t feel that way about band shirts, usually, or fandoms, or booty shorts, or yoga pants. I still don’t say anything. But I admit, I will keep a close eye on the dude in the ammosexual teeshirt, and probably completely ignore the girl with her ass showing. He’s trying to be threatening and “macho”, she’s just being adorable, and might be chilly.

There is a difference in lying and choosing your words. There is a difference in being kind. You all are adults, so you know the difference. Bring it down to the Platinum Rule: Treat Others The Way They Want To Be Treated. You know that none of us wants to be lied to, so don't do that!

Witches also don’t lie by omission—unless it’s a white lie about someone’s shirt (but you should probably tell your friend that bright yellow doesn’t work for them if it makes them look like fresh asparagus). Omission lies are the sort of lies that fall into passive aggression, and can lead to more casual cruelty. By choosing to tell part of the truth you are often choosing the less blatant lie.

This doesn’t mean you sit your 4 year old down and tell them the whole Truth-Truth about what death is, and how we think oblivion works. You should never tell your religious friend that you think they are fucking stupid for believing in an afterlife, but you can say you don’t believe in one. The sort of omission lies I’m talking about are purposeful deceptions, and I know you’re all thinking of something you’ve experienced like this.

My first go-to example is something I saw with my mother’s friends who sold MLM products in the 1980’s. Avon, Mary Kay, and some interior design company*. My mother loved these things, and even sold Mark Kay for a long time. My grandmother sold Avon. My childhood home was full of cheap plastic, weird silk flowers, and hideously ugly, cheap chipboard painted and laminated to look like real walnut and mahogany! They’d talk about how much money they would make selling their stock, but never discussed how much money they spent to maintain the stock that the MLM required of them. Mary Kay is particularly bad about requiring every “consultant” to order a certain cash value of stock every month to maintain their status.

They chose to omit the costs and tried to cheerily focus on their “profits”. They told half the truth to craft a deception that said the opposite of what really is. They didn’t like, per se, because they did “earn $XX” amount, but they left off that they spent “$XX + $YY” in order to keep their level.

That’s where the harm of lying by omission comes. You’re not telling people what they need to know in order to make good choices. If you don’t tell your kid about the oblivion of death when they are 4, they won’t be harmed. But if you tell them that they shouldn’t put a knife into a light socket because you don’t want the sparks, rather than “You’ll electrocute yourself!” you are causing harm.

It is hard to own our words and to be truthful all the time. Women are socialized to be kind and deflect, to remember how fragile men's feelings are, to protect these "poor man". We are socialized to make everything better, to make everyone better. You can be kind and not lie. You can even be cognizant of "poor men's feelings" and not lie** (but if you can't, protect yourself first!)

Owning our words does mean more than not lying. It does mean that we mean what we say. It means we choose our words and choose compassion and truth over passive aggression, manipulation, verbal abuse, or lies.

Yet again, I'm going to recommend therapy if you're having trouble with the idea of radical, thoughtful, compassionate honesty. You have to be honest with yourself in order to be a Witch. And you have to be honest with others.

What path will you choose? To own your words, and be honest? Or to lie, and be untrustworthy?

You can' t be a witch if you're untrustworthy. Remember that as you choose your Path.

*I looked it up, and wouldn’t you know it, this “direct sales company” was called Home Interiors and Gifts. I remember it being tacky, cheaply painted porcelain figures, brass and dark “mahogany” stained wood, ugly silk flowers that smelled like plastic and some weird perfume, and so many other kitschy 1980’s things.

According to Wikipedia, our modern day oracle of everything, this MLM has been defunct since 2008. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Home_Interiors_and_Gifts accessed 18Aug2022

** No, I don't think men are poor and can't be told no. I think men can own their own feelings. I should never have to lie to protect myself from the anger of a man-- but I do. In cases like this, Lie to Protect Yourself!