Shadow Work:

It is an act of bravery, as a traumatized adult, to accept that our choices are our responsibility. Let me say that again: it is an act of bravery to accept that the choices we had and the choices we took are our responsibility.

If you were religiously abused and traumatized as a child (especially by parents who were, themselves traumatized and religiously abused) you’re already behind the proverbial 8-ball. You’re starting from “Negative 2” rather than 0 like everyone who hasn’t been through that kind of abuse. You’re already a little short on the whole multitude of choices thing, but you do have some. Often, you’ve spent time choosing the least bad option, after weighing all of them.

You do the best you can, right? You choose XYZ and then XZ1 and then Z12, and eventually you get a good choice, or several good choices, and you slowly build a better life and a better self. Even if the better choice is “cooking at home in my little kitchen and making healthy food, versus eating fast food because it’s easy”. Having enough money and time to cook good food can be the result of several little choices—and can be a huge Level Up from the “before times” in your life.

When you’re a traumatized and abused kid, finding witchcraft as an older teen/adult can be a life-saving, and life-affirming choice. Finding a home in a philosophy, (or for some people finding a religion with loving deities) can be the first step toward healing. There’s something amazing about finding your specific “tribe of weirdos” and to be welcome, often for the first time in your life. Being able to be your authentic self (especially if that self is LGBTQ+ and was rejected by your family of origin) can be the only thing that keeps you alive—and for many of us, witchcraft was part of that choice to live.

That ease, that fitting in, the fact that others will make space and hold that space for you—it’s a heady thing! It is part of the work we’re trying to do with QueerCoven. We are trying to create and space for others who need a home, and to hold that space sacred for all of us.

Learning to take space, and to actually own that space is a hard lesson for kids who were raised with abuse. If you, like me, were raised in a conservative/fundamentalist religion (IFB Christianity for your HeadWitch) you weren’t allowed to take space as a girl. If you have a vagina, you are not a whole person in many of these faiths. You’re just there to do what you’re told, have babies for the faith, and to be happy about it. If you’re a penis-having person, you’re allowed to take space and to have opinions, but you have to be the right kind of penis-having person (a toxically masculine, manly-man type). Deviating from that black-and-white binary of Masculine Men and Feminine Women can be terrifying and is often punished in these faiths and households! When you break free of that religion, you start to work on the programming.

Working to unpack, and to work though that trauma is part of that growing into a Better Self. That’s why I recommend therapy, and why I can’t say enough about counseling. Unpacking the trauma and getting down through the confusion, terror, and anger. Getting down to the hurt, to the wound, and then healing the wound—that’s hard stuff.

That hard work, that digging deep, it is often called “Shadow Work.”

I don’t really like the term “shadow work”. It sounds so exciting, so “Dungeons & Dragons”. It’s not. Shadow work is, at it’s most basic Very Deep Introspection; Interrogating Yourself Honestly; Facing Your Inner Fears; Meeting Your Inner Self; and Excising that Which Does Not Serve You. That’s it: it’s deeply digging into your brain, your thought patterns, your heart and how you treat people, your mental issues and outlook, and how you treat people (those you like and love, and those you don’t; people you know and people you see at the grocery store, or whatever.)

You’ve probably heard the words “shadow work”. It’s all the rage now. It’s spoken of with a voice of authority, often tinged with awe and an underlying feeling of “I am Powerful!” It’s an open secret, a known unknown; but very few people actually define it. Never mind explaining how to do it.

Instead, it is often used as a way for a witch-ling to throw blame and anger all around them, without taking responsibility for the outcome and fallout. “I’m doing shadow work”, they’ll say. “I’m slaying the dragons of my ancestors,” or “I’m digging out my trauma,” or some other nonsense. It is a reason why no one can be hurt or harmed by their actions and words, no one can find anything wrong with/disagree with their actions, or be angry when they are abusive or selfish. It is wielded as a weapon—and right now it’s super popular on TikTok along with all the toxic positivity and blame shifting included.

You’ll also see it used by witch-lings as a reason not to actually do that work of digging out their traumas. Blaming it for remaining static, being difficult and angry, constantly anxious or nervous, refusing to grow up, or grow as an adult. “But I’m doing shadow work”, they’ll say, blaming their stagnation on how “hard” they are working, while instead, they’re pushing the difficulty of all their emotions and actions off on those who live with, work with, or are around them.

You might see it in a third, and most insidious way: using “shadow work” as a way to blame all difficulties in the witch-ling’s life on their parents, guardians, siblings, friends, or even teachers/counselors. Blaming everyone in their lives, except themselves. You’ll hear, “I’m doing shadow work, but my <Person> has to deal with all this stuff they caused and it’s their fault I’m hurting/was arrested/have mental illnesses. It’s their fault that I’m not getting help with <mental issues, or anything else that can be blamed upon a parental figure>. I can’t grow/change/improve until they take responsibility and make amends.” (And no, amends can’t be made toward you, if you are the one doing the harm; amends can’t be made if someone didn’t do anything wrong. You aren’t owned amends, especially if you don’t tell the person what was wrong. Your choices aren’t the fault of another.)

That is all total and complete horse shit.

Yes, some parents/guardians are shitty. Yes, some of them are abusive. Yes, sometimes their actions lead to some really shitty things in life—things like getting arrested, developing a mental illness, or even just residual hurting. I will never excuse the bad behaviour of anyone, including myself. The harm done to all of us by our upbringing is something we have to struggle with, in the same way we have to deal with our own mental illnesses, our chronic physical illnesses, and our day-to-day life.

That struggle isn’t shadow work.

Shadow work doesn’t have anything to do with anyone outside of the Witch doing the work

Shadow work isn’t about how you were beaten as a kid; it’s not about the nightmares inflicted on you by your parents describing Hell; it’s not about your self-esteem, or about your regret. It’s not about your ambivalence to taking medication, or your tantrums about some one who isn’t happy to see you doing coke every weekend because they love you, and want you to be ok.

Shadow Work Is About Facing Your Self.

It’s about holding your self accountable for your choices.

It’s about finding the way to make better choices. It’s about looking into your own eyes, seeing into your own soul, and facing the parts of you that you don’t like. It’s about learning to hold your temper, learning to exercise patience, being compassionate and kind when you want to shriek, because these are better choices. It’s about working to be your Best Self.

Shadow work is difficult. It will rip your guts out. Because it’s supposed to! It’s supposed to lay your bones bare. Supposed to make you utterly naked before yourself—so you can grow good new muscles, and clothe yourself in better attitudes and a better outlook. It’s supposed to be like ripping out your own heart, just to see it beating.

Because it hurts so bad, we want to avoid that pain. Humans don’t generally like psychic pain (or any pain). We avoid it. Our lizard brain tells us that pain means bad things are happening. That’s why blaming pain on others makes so much sense to someone who is still hurting from their upbringing, or from decisions they’ve made. It makes perfect sense if you’re stunting your growth, if you’re choosing stagnation… especially if you’re actively choosing to stagnate because you’re not ready to work on your anger or learn to control your emotions.

We, humans, want to be right, to be going the right way, to be doing the right thing. We want to be correct. So it stands to reason, if all these bad things happen to us, it must mean that we’re being victimized, because we’re right! Because you know you’re a good person, deep-down, if you’re having a bad time, it must be the fault of everyone else, anyone else. Whether it’s your parents who raised you, or your therapist who is telling you that medication/treatment will help if you commit to it, or the friends who have told you to get some help for your anxiety—someone has to be at fault, and it can’t be you if you’re the victim. Right?

Right…?

It is often easier to blame all of your difficulties on Something Else. Even the difficulties you have, from the choices you made. Because if you admit that you made a choice, a decision that was not good, then you are responsible. Being responsible means having consequences, good and bad. Being responsible means being the grown up—and being the grown up is hard and scary, and no one really teaches us how.

Shadow work is about digging into the very construct of ourselves. You know the “water we swim in”—everything we’ve been surrounded by from our first breaths. Regardless of how we were socialized, we were socialized—and that is the construct we need to dismantle in order to build a better Self. That is what is so hard about shadow work: we’re digging out our bones.

Making choices can be analogized in the same way voting is: it’s never a straight A to Z. Rather, it’s like taking a bus, you take the A Line as far as you can, in the right direction, then you change busses. You make the Best A choice then the Best B, and so on.

Shadow work is taking stock of the framework you were assigned as a kid. Thinking about those things you never really thought about before. Things like: Do my parents/caregivers love me? Did they ever? Am I a bad person? Did I hurt that person with my words and actions? Am I sorry? Should I be? Why did I do that? Is there even a why?

Shadow work is about interrogating yourself, and your beliefs. You shouldn’t believe something if you can’t tell someone else why you believe that thing. Shadow work is about finding out that why. It’s about asking “Does this idea/attitude/thought process/belief structure serve me, and does it help me become a Best Self?”

When we find things in our self that we don’t like, it’s easy to blame our families of origin for giving us that rubbish, and to blame them for the hurt and harm we’ve felt, and dished out, because of those things. It’s easy to get stuck in negative patterns and thoughts, and to ruminate on the pattern. It’s hard to figure out how to remove those patterns, to grow past them, and to make amends for any hurt you’ve inflicted by them. Shadow work can help you break out of that rumination, and can remind you that the choices you make are yours. It can remind you that you need to own your choices, and that they will help you grow, or will help you stagnate—but you have to choose.

Shadow work reminds you that choosing not to choose is a choice. Read that again, slowly: if you make a decision to Not Choose, that is your choice. It is your responsibility, and yes, you did that. You actively made a choice by passively not choosing.*

So, when you choose to make the step toward shadow work, be Intentional. Make your decision actively, and walk that path. I’m not saying it’s easy, often choosing something can be hard—but it’s worth it to really know yourself. It’s worth that work, in every way.

Don’t be afraid of shadow work, just like you should never be afraid of therapy. Take your medication, meditate when it serves you, drink your water, and be intentional!

*Ok, I know that sometimes we have to rest, or that making a choice right this second isn’t the best thing to do. That’s not what I’m talking about. Sometimes the “wait and see” is the best choice; sometimes it’s the worst one.